When it comes to fashion, it’s fair to say that churches aren’t always at the forefront of style. This probably dates back to all that tonsuring that went on in the Middle Ages, but who are we to point the finger?
Every church seems to have their own besetting sins, hairstyle-wise, but a discussion among the threads team and friends soon revealed certain, unmistakeable, follicular patterns. What follows is a sociological survey of sorts, but we’ll try very hard to avoid naming names. We don’t need to anyway, because the real offenders know exactly who they are…
(P.S. Some of us got more into character than others…)
The Brompton big-hair blowdry
Seeing as I’m a strictly air-dry, untamed-mane-kinda-girl, I felt supremely swanky for the 24 hours the smooth-on-top and party-at-the-ends, lasted. And I would definitely do it again when a fancy occasion deserves an hour-long blowdry… It’s a dream being able to brush one’s hair and not lose the brush in the process. Kudos to all the patient blow-driers out there, I salute you.
The non-denominational ski-slope
Those who stuck with this hairstyle through its darker days may have felt better after 1D’s Zayn rocked this do back in 2013, but thankfully for the rest of us, he realised the error of his ways and it went back into obscurity. Where it belongs. I remember a handful of my friends thought they could pull it off back in the day, but the rest of us went for the only two sensible options: David Beckham’s classic curtains or a neat short back and sides.
The original “Christian” half-pony
This hairstyle gently screams: “I’m a feminine yet practical church woman”. This is a hairstyle you can trust – the woman wearing this is probably on the Sunday school rota, plays flute in the music group, and knows exactly how long a tea bag needs to brew for the perfect cup of church tea. Keeping her hair out of her eyes, this woman is able to be both efficient and kind – it allows her to get on with the practical needs of a Sunday morning, but also deliver a sermon with a clear line of sight. This woman always has a spare tortoiseshell barrette in her bag for hair emergencies.
The Brethren puff
Ok, so I named a denomination and broke our promise to avoid naming names. But I am third-generation Brethren on both sides of my family, so if I can’t say it, who can? My sister and I were not old enough to adopt this style while it was in (Brethren) fashion, so we just watched on enviously as others teased their puffs to dizzying heights – the most adventurous sported both top and side puffs, which made it difficult to enter narrow doorways. Getting to wear this hairstyle now, many years later, is actually very satisfying: there’s a pleasant nostalgia about this style for me, and as a bonus, my flesh is suitably mortified.
Choir boi gone wild
After four days without showering at Soul Survivor you still want to look your best. So toting my newly purchased Youth Bible, a quick swipe of the hand through the hair, a twist of the grease-coated-fringe into my signature curl, I was ready for the final worship session, prepared to show the girls just how spiritual and stylish I was. These days I try to shower more frequently, even when on a farm showground, but the twist and curl is still a go to instant hair solution.
I’m too serious to do my hair. I have serious things to do like put the hymn books into order and organise the refreshment rota. I think hair should be plain and simple as to not distract men from their Bible study. The bigger the hair, the bigger the sinner.
The worship leader swinge (sweep + fringe)
I feel that my inner Martin Smith has never been more alive. Creativity and melodies buzz in my brain, fed by the heady smell of hair product. I feel like a history maker.
“None of these styles work on my hair.”